Thursday 15 September 2011

7 Drugs and Why They Suck

'Just say NO!', they chanted in my formative years in the 80s. 'Fuck you' thought my seven-year-old mind, albeit in slightly less colorful language. Still, I didn't know where to get drugs. In fact, I would have had no idea what drugs were if I hadn't been bombarded with orders not to do them. Then the 90s came, and people had pretty much shut up about it. Suddenly, I was thirteen and, one afternoon in detention a voice whispered into my ear from behind while the teacher was out of the room.

'You wanna buy some weed?' it said.

'Um...' I said, not having the slightest idea what he meant. 'Do you mean pot?'

'Yeah, pot,' said the voice, tinged with exasperation already as if it was talking to its senile grandfather. I gave it some seconds of thought.

'Yes. Yes, I would like to buy some weed'.

That was pretty much that for most of the next seventeen years. Being an intelligent young man with a curious mind, I was keen to try all these other 'drugs' I began to learn about. They suck, and here's why.

1. Marijuana: Excellent stuff, provided you have no interest in talking to anyone about anything other than weed. It stinks the house out, which tends to upset most parents, and promotes a degree of lethargy that Rip Van Winkle would be proud of. If, for some reason, you come back from the store and realize that you've bought way too much food to fit into your house, smoke a few joints and I guarantee that you'll be devoid of everything but dried tortellini by the following morning. Excessive use tends to promote the idea that a job involving nothing more than picking stuff up and carrying it to a nearby location is a wise career choice. Name-tags are an added bonus as they encourage you to remember who you are. This has to be earned, though. There are an awful lot of people who will introduce themselves as 'Trainee' in social situations, and that tends to diminish your chances of getting laid.
After we finish this bag, then the next bag, we'll be almost out of weed!


2. Ecstacy/MDMA: Life is tough. People are not receptive to one another and most human interactions are devoid of any real emotional connection. The solution? Methylenedioxymethamphetamine. The euphoric energy rushes... the urge to dance... the feeling of connectedness with the people around you... the inability to remember the beginning of sentences you just... (wait what was I talking about?)... the grinding of teeth and loss of visual control so that reading something or looking at something become tasks requiring all of your attention (which is, by this point, nonexistent)... the inability to use your penis for anything it's designed for... the feeling, two days later, that you want to hang yourself because your serotonin levels are so skewed. Ah, bliss. 
Who needs food? I'm George Jetson!


3. Amphetamines/Methamphetamines (Speed/Crank/Crystal Meth): Short of cash? Want to stay up for five days for no reason? Buy some speed. The first 24 hours will be fun-filled, adrenaline fueled, motor mouthing. Then you get twitchy. The solution? More speed! After three days you'll feel like shit. Stop now unless sitting in front of mirror talking to yourself for the remaining two days, then having a mini-nervous breakdown really floats your boat. If you make it that far, then delusions, paranoia, depression and bleeding gums are your reward. What a trooper!
The hotel wasn't haunted. This was the tale-end of a week-long crank binge.


4. Cocaine: There are too many dicks in the world. Walk down the street and count all of the dicks. It's depressing, isn't it? Well, when in Rome, be the fucking Emperor (or something)! Flaunt your cash wad and shovel this stuff up your nose all evening and you are guaranteed to turn into the biggest dick of them all. You know why? 'Cause you're a fucking winner, and everybody needs to know it. Plus, they're all losers compared to you, especially your friends. Plus, did I mention that you get to flaunt your cash wad? Yeah. Awesome. Fuck you.
Possible side effects of Cocaine use


5. Heroin: So, it's come to this, has it? You hate yourself. Or everybody else hates you. Or you hate everything. Or you're really, really lazy. Or you've just arrived on earth from a distant planet and have no idea what heroin is. Or all of these things. Yay. Lets get  wasted on something that essentially prevents us from wanting to do anything or eat anything. Unless you get hooked, of course, at which point you need it specifically in order to do anything at all. Well, that's all fine and dandy, then. Seriously, the most boring days of my life have been thanks to this drug.
This is definitely a productive use of time


6. Ketamine: They use this to knock out horses. You are not a horse. That is all.
Is this you?


7. LSD: LSD is awesome in almost every way. It's everything you've ever wanted. You'll realize the superficiality if the world, the beauty of humanity and nature, the interconnectedness of all living things, the cosmos, time. You will smile from ear to ear. All the values you have been taught are insignificant. YOU WILL SEE THE TRUTH. Then you have to go home and get some sleep for work the next day. Suddenly, it all seems a bit pointless.

'Johnson, get me the files for the Berringer account'. Why? What does it mean?

'Could you make sure you're ready on time for dinner with my parents tomorrow, honey-kins?' TIME IS JUST A PERCEPTION, BABY. WE'RE ALREADY THERE AND WE'VE ALREADY LEFT. I LOVE YOU. LET'S MAKE LOVE.

You will be left with two options: either live the rest of your life in near depressive apathy because of societies failings, or drop out and live in a commune eating beans.
I AM UNIVERSE!
__________________________
Drugs suck. Look at this nice old man. He doesn't do drugs and he looks... ok, he sucks.
Fuck you, hippies! Smiling is for queers! I was in some war, probably!

1 comment:

  1. I enjoyed reading this and agree.
    Really liked number six, gave me a good laugh! =]

    ReplyDelete